Wednesday, February 2, 2011

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 10

Day 10: Something you're afraid of. 

Dear Jack,

Today is the day I've been afraid of for the last 4 months. I've known it was coming, and I've tried to push it to the back of my mind, but now it's here.

Today is the day you were supposed to be here with us. 2-2-11. Your due date. Today disbelief and denial will turn into reality and acceptance, because you're not here.

We're in the middle of blizzard today buddy. Remember how Grandma and Grandpa joked about how there would be a blizzard in town and they would drive 5mph but they would make it here to meet you? Well, they were right about the weather at least. The freezing rain even canceled all of the schools around here, and our street looks like a skating rink.

I want so badly for you to be here today in my arms, crying, screaming, sleeping, and doing all of the adorable things that little newborn sweethearts do. I still don't understand why you're not, but that's not your fault. It's no one's fault. I probably never will understand why you were taken away from us, but in that short time you have shown me so much about who I am, about who your dad is, and the beauty of life. These are lessons I know I would not have learned without you as my son.

I hope you're not disappointed that I still miss you so much. I know you are happy and in a far better place than I could ever imagine, but when I get reminders of you (and it happens alot), all I want is for things to be different. I have never wanted anything more than to be your mother.

I guess getting through today means that I can stop living in the "if only" and the "why me?" and start living more in the moment. Getting through 2-2-11 means that this limbo part of our lives has ended, and hopefully good things are to come.

As I was driving home last night, I randomly stopped to pick up Chinese food (who likes to cook during a blizzard?!?) I got this as my fortune cookie, and I'm going to take it as a sign:
Coincidence? Maybe. But I know my boy and I know you want me to be happy. I love you Jack.


  1. Audra - I wanted you to know how much I admire your strength and I would definitely say that Jack is no one where near disappointed that you miss him, if anything he's thrilled he had such a loving mother & father! I cried reading this because even through writing you can tell how much you want him to be here. Keep up the positive outlook (even thought it's hard sometimes) and remember Jack will always love you as much as you love him no matter what!

  2. You are so sweet. Thank you for saying this. It makes me proud that other people can tell how much I love & miss him.

  3. I loved it! I think that was a great way to get through your day yesterday. You did it, you got through it. And I think the fortune was a sign from Jack. And he's right. Better days are ahead and you have gotten through the day you most dreaded for so long. Your struggle is over. You are so strong, and Jack was so lucky to have you and Jon as parents. His brothers and sisters are going to be lucky to, and now you have that to look forward to!