Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Live Blogging from Jury Duty

Below is the lowdown on my first experience with jury duty yesterday. As you can see, I haven't been called yet. But it's 9:19am on day 2, I have coffee, and they're showing Avatar. So in fairness, life could be worse right now. Enjoy!


8:00am: Arrive at the courthouse. Get flagged at security because I four bags with me. What?? I have to be prepared, this could be a long week.

8:05: Fill out jury questionnaire. Shockingly, there is no question that asks “Do you watch TV shows like CSI or Snapped and think everyone is guilty?”

8:10: Turn in questionnaire. Sit down and whip out my laptop. Panic because my battery is almost dead, and I see no outlet. Oh Em Gee, what will I do without my computer all day?? Give the stare down to the older gentleman at the table next to me, as the outlet underneath his feet glows like a halo.

8:15: Realize there is a power outlet next to every seat. Score!

8:16: Realize I don’t have the wireless access code. Dammit. Go out to reception and find a piece of paper and bring the code back to my seat.

8:17: When I sit down, chick in front of me asks if I found the wireless password. I show her my piece of paper. She takes it out of my hand, says thanks, and places it on the seat next to her. Um, hello?!?! I haven’t memorized it in the 2.5 seconds it’s been in my hands. Crane my neck to see what the password is while successfully avoiding confrontation by asking for it back.

8:38: Go to courthouse café for a coffee. Decide to mix things up and get half decaf, half French vanilla cappuccino. Amazing decision.

8:50: Jury Commissioner tells us lots of things that make me proud to be an American. Also that “No courthouse in the country can run without you” which is why it is VERY difficult to get out of jury duty unless you’re dying, bleeding, or a full-time college student.

8:57: WTF is that noise behind me?? Some guy is sniffling in such rapid succession that it’s grating on my every nerve. Someone PLEASE get that man a tissue!

9:08: Commissioner is still talking about our civic duty. We get the point, really. She says no less than 12 times how we should be happy we’re out of work for the week. Do people really see this as a vacation from work? I guess I don’t get it.

9:12: Watch a video about jury duty being a privilege and our responsibility as US citizens. They show how people were judged in Medieval times. They would tie your arms and legs together, and if you were guilty, you floated. If you were innocent, you sank. Spoiler alert: the peasant in the video sank – hooray for innocence!

9:18: Realize that sniffling man is actually a poor old man with an oxygen tank. Proceed to feel like a jackass.

10:30: They let us go for a 10-minute break. I ask if there if a room where I can go pump. Lady in reception says yes absolutely, it’s a lovely room located inside the women’s restroom.

10:31: Go into the women’s restroom. Find no such lovely room, just a door that says “Shower” and “Staff Only.” Frown and go back to reception.

10:32: Reception lady tells me that room IS in fact the place that I pump. Ok, never pumped in a shower, but sure I’ll go with it.

10:33: Barge past the line of 25 female jurors in line for the restroom. They all look grumpy because they think I’m cutting in line.

10:34: Open the door to the “Staff Only” shower room. Phew. At least there’s a lock on the door. But no chair. Okkkkkkay. How am I going to do this, I think to myself. Proceed to plop down on the floor of the shower stall to plug in my pump. Well, nothing says sanitation like pumping breastmilk on the floor of a shower stall in one of the largest county courthouses in America. I probably have ebola now. Or athlete’s foot at the very least. Emerson, I hope you know how much I love you.

10:34: Realize I left my cooler with my pump parts in the jury commission room. Fvck! Go past the line of women once more.

10:35: Return to shower stall and laugh at myself.

10:45: Back to the jury room to wait to be summoned.

10:50: Still waiting.

10:59: Man, my stomach is growling already. Jealous of the lady to my right with the scrunchie and her delicious looking potato chips. (Good thing me, Holly, and Kristen are on a diet that started today… I swear I didn’t cheat girls! I only fantasized about the chips.)

11:10: Still waiting. Start biting my nails. Stop that!!!

11:11: Where is that music coming from?? Some brave soul thinks we all want to hear his tunes.

11:18: DUDE. Why is that guy talking SO LOUD??? I know every single detail of your personal life now, are you happy?? Jury duty is a very interesting social experiment.

11:28: He’s back on the phone! I am embarrassed for him.

11:37: The Internet is freezing up. NOT COOL, county courthouse. Not cool.

11:48: Still waiting. Man in the aisle over is snoring. Well played, sir.

11:49: They call more jurors, and I still haven’t gotten picked. Trying not to take it personally.

11:54: They call more people… still not me. Not special.

12:00pm: We’re dismissed for lunch. We get 90 minutes. 90 minutes!!! What other establishment in the country takes a 90 minute lunch break?? If my car weren’t parked in the garage two blocks down, I would totally take a nap in my car.

12:05: Walk down the street to look for lunch. Ohmyyyyyy. There’s a Chipotle. Give in to lack of willpower.

12:15: After waiting in this long line, my hunger has gotten the best of me. But I try to be good and order a Chicken Bowl with brown rice, fajita veggies, tomato salsa, cheese, hold the sour cream (oh but I wanted it soooo  badly)

12:20: Walk back to the courthouse. Call Jon on the way. He tells me our little monster was an angel this morning. Of course. She’s an angel every morning J

12:25: Arrive back at courthouse. Go into lobby area and proceed to CRUSH my Chipotle lunch. Not one morsel of rice was spared in my attack.

12:47: Go back to shower floor to pump again. Appreciate the irony in that I felt dirtier than ever being in this shower room.

1:02: Buy some wilted grapes and a 150 calorie Rice Krispie treat from the courthouse café.

1:10: Look up my burrito nutrition info on chipotlefan.com. 19 grams of fat and 450 calories. Meh. Could be worse I guess.

1:12: Log calories into MyFitnessPal.com. Try not to feel like the computer is judging me.

1:13: Log my -500 calories for breastfeeding into MFP. Bahahaha- take that!!!

1:14: Man these grapes are wilted. This is what I get for picking a healthy snack.

1:19: Actually, the ones toward the bottom aren't so bad.

1:21: Go to Pinterest. Wonder why I haven't thought of this earlier. I feel like I never get to pin anymore. Priorities.

1:25: Give in and trade the grapes for the RKT. Only eat half.

1:29: Eat the other half.

1:40: They call for more jurors.... oh my goodness. This room is almost completely empty and I STILL have not been called. WTF?!?! I just counted are there are only 12 of us left, of the 180 that started with me this morning.

1:41: Still offended.

3:45: Guess my civic duty isn't needed today.  Oh well. See ya again tomorrow!


  1. too freaking funny! hope you get called today - can't wait to hear about it either way, haha! :)

    1. I got called! I report at 1:30 for a criminal case. I'm scared.... Haha!

  2. Hilarious! It's amazing the places you will find yourself pumping lilts nbd. I once pumped on the ride up to cedar point while your brother was in the car. We are now bonded for life.