I just spent several hours with a good friend who, sadly, now knows the same kind of all-consuming sadness that I once experienced.
My sweet, beautiful friend and her husband said goodbye to their baby boy in December, halfway through her pregnancy.
When I heard the news, I couldn't help but cry. And cry. We were heartbroken.
I remember saying a prayer after we lost Jack that no one I knew would ever have to experience the kind of hell we had to go through. It's just not fair. Saying goodbye to your child is the absolute worst thing that anyone could ever do. You feel helpless, and nothing anyone can do or say will make you feel better.
And why them?? These two were so happy and thrilled to be parents, and their excitement was so wonderful to see. They deserved to have a happy, healthy baby more than anyone I know.
All I wanted to do today is tell her that everything was going to be okay, but that is exactly the kind of advice I hated hearing back then. I didn't feel "okay" and I truly felt like I would never feel "okay" again. How could I ever feel normal when every single thought I had involved Jack and the life he would never get to have?? It's a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, let alone someone I love and care about.
However, holding our sweet, healthy baby girl reminds me that in time my friend will actually be "okay." The joy I feel today is joy that I never knew existed, never knew possible. I was in a dark place last year, and I know she'll be in a dark place for awhile too. I know all too well that time is the only thing that will heal them, just as it was the only thing that healed us. And I know they will be blessed with a beautiful rainbow baby when the time is right for them.
After she left, I was listening to iTunes, and this song came on. I haven't heard it in ages, but these lyrics seemed so fitting:
In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you, for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me, and everywhere I am, there'll you be.
Rest in peace sweet baby Joey. I know you and Jack are already best friends up there.
<3 <3 <3