Friday, September 21, 2012

2 year angel-versary

My sweet angel Jack,

Tomorrow will be 2 years since we said goodbye to you. Two years since I last felt you kick me. Two years since my heart was ripped out of my chest, and I experienced a type of heartbreak that can never, ever be replicated. Two years since my big strong boy became the angel that you were always meant to be.

Since that day two years ago, so many good things have happened to our family. You have a baby sister, who I know would look just like you. We both have new jobs. Both of your aunts got married. We have fantastic friends, and a loving supportive family. Life for us is easy, happy, and fulfilling.

But you're not here, and there will always be a part of me that is missing.

"Jack" is a very common name out there, so every time I hear it, I get that familiar tug at my heartstrings. How badly I wish I could call out the name "Jack" and have my sweet baby boy toddle up to me, look at me with his big blue eyes, and call me Mama. Two years later and I am still wondering why I can't have that.

Tonight I am walking in the March of Dimes Night Moves event with your daddy, little sister, and some of our friends. We made a team in your memory, and I can't believe how coincidental it is that this event would take place this weekend. Last year at the walk, I was pregnant with Emerson, and still praying every day that I would get to take her home. This year for the first time, she will get to play a small but important role in preserving your memory. She's too little to understand, but make no mistake that she will know about her big brother, and how blessed we are to have had both of you in our lives.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Every single day I try to be the person I know you would want me to be. I don't always succeed, but if being a good, kind person means that I could have the chance to see you again someday, I am willing to do anything.

I hope you are having fun up there with your friends - I know of a few angels that you are keeping good company with, and I know you are making them feel welcome. I want to tell you how much I wish you were here, but ultimately I know being an angel is a much more important job.

I cannot thank you enough for looking after our family. Losing you has made me a more cautious, more anxious person, but knowing you are watching out for us truly helps me sleep at night.

I miss you. I love you. I am so proud to be your mom.




  1. Crying over here ... and thinking of you today friend. You are so strong. I can't even begin to imagine how tough it is, but I truly do love hearing about sweet baby Jack. Kisses to Emerson. And kisses to Jack.

  2. Such a sweet letter to your angel baby! Made me teary eyed. Seriously, it's so fitting that you're walking tonight for him so close to the angel-versary. I'm sure he's making lots of angel friends and he's doing a pretty kick ass job looking out for your cute little family :) You're so blessed, but I know you know that! <3 JBF

  3. You are so strong - it's really is amazing. Thinking of you and your beautiful family :)

  4. Such a beautiful post. I love that you walked on the perfect day.

  5. This letter is so sweet! I know the feeling when you hear his name and your heart breaks a little. I get that too! I love that you are involved in the March of Dimes too! Thinking of you!

  6. I'm so sorry Audra. I know the feeling to a certain extent, I lost my baby girl at 23 weeks. It's the most painful thing a person could experience. My anniversary is on Valentines day, so I hate Valentines day. Love the sweet letter you sent to your baby boy. Thinking of you!