This week has flown by, and though many funny things happened to me, most are not appropriate to share on this blog (Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, I just don't like using curse words when Emerson may read this some day!)
Some highlights:
~ My daughter has a dirty old man's laugh. When she laughs, her tiny baby voice becomes really deep and guttural. It's hilarious but actually a little unnerving. Is she an old man trapped in a tiny baby body??
~ I saw a car with the license plate: "SMRT BUT" this week and laughed so hard. This has inspired me to get a new one of my own. I feel compelled to spread good cheer to everyone in the region on my drive to work every day. I'll take nominations. I think the word "fart" should be in there somewhere, because who doesn't think the word fart is funny???
~ Jon and I have this running joke at night when I ask him to spoon me; he'll say no at least 3 times before he "gives in." So the other night I asked him to spoon me and instead of saying "no" he said:
"But sweetheart, we are spooning." Mind you, we were on opposites sides of our king bed.
And so I said " Jon, this doesn't count as spooning. Our feet aren't even touching!"
To which he replied "No, sure we are. We're like two spoons.... Dropped randomly into the same drawer."
That right there, well... that's love, folks.
And now, some baby humor to get you through your day...
Truer words have never been spoken... or written on a onesie. Period.
So terrible....
So inappropriate....
That poor girl...
This is how Emerson feels every day....
And these photos are good for a few more giggles. I am embarrassed for how much I laughed at each of these. I guess I have very non-discriminatory taste when it comes to humor.
I spent THREE DOLLARS on a croissant at Starbucks yesterday. Why are croissants so expensive?? It's just dough right?? Fancy French dough??? I mean, it was delicious, but still.. a small mocha and that tiny pastry cost me $6.50, which is excessive.
I have dreams about $5 foot longs and I can't wait to get one for lunch
I may not save the other half of the foot long and instead house the whole thing in one sitting
I sing really obscure songs to my daughter. Instead of Twinkle Twinkle, I go for Bruno Mars and Sir Mix A Lot
I was in bed and asleep before the sun went down. Yep.
I have a bachelorette party on Saturday night, and I am so nervous about a) being up past 10:00 b) having alcohol for fear my liver will scream because it's been a solid 15 months since I've had any and c) being "that girl" who is yawning in the corner and can't hang and be cool like the rest of the gals
Speaking of Bachelorettes, I am totes excited for the premiere of "The Bachelorette" on May 14th. Even though I already know who the final 4 guys are... thanks Reality Steve. Hopefully Emily and her adorableness will redeem the franchise. Not likely, but everyone has their guilty pleasure and this is mine.
Every single email I send has at least one error. I can't help it. All the coffee in all the land couldn't help me.
As part of our bedtime routine, I read Emerson 1-2 books every night before bed. She has really started to like them, particularly if she's not overtired by the time we start reading. My parents read to me all the time when I was little, and I attribute my vast knowledge and intelligence to my interest in books and reading in general ;-)
(Ok sidenote, speaking of intelligence, I re-read my blog post from yesterday and holy hell, there were alot of spelling/grammar errors! Go check it out before I fix them all as I hang my head in embarrassment. I can't have my daughter thinking that bad grammar is okay!)
Anywhoo, last night she cooed over and over whilst I read her "Do Princesses Really Kiss Frogs?", a compelling tale of a little girl who goes on a hike with her father and her dog. Truly a Pulitzer prize contender.
Ok, so then we get to book two, which is a book of nursery rhymes. Great, I think to myself. I always loved nursery rhymes. How fun to get to go back in time and read/sing them with my little girl!
The first one is the classic, Rock a Bye Baby:
Rock-a-Bye Baby On the tree top When the wind blows the cradle will rock When the bough breaks the cradle will fall And down will come baby cradle and all
WAIT....
HOLD UP! Are you trying to tell me that some mother not only left her baby ALONE in a tall tree on a windy day, only to let said baby plummet to the ground in their flimsy cradle?!?!? WTF kind of parenting is that?!!!?? What a horrifying nursery rhyme! Yikes. Never humming that song again, good grief. I'm not sure why I never thought about it until now.
Then we get to the next page, Georgie Porgie. Oooh, I remember this one!
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry When the boys came out to play Georgie Porgie went away
Um, WHAT??? Some pervy little kid forces himself on poor unsuspecting little girls??? And then when the brave little boys come out to confront him and protect the innocent girls from his unwanted advances, the little scamp runs away like a coward???
This is just unacceptable. I feel like my childhood innocence has died a little. No more nursery rhymes for Emerson until Mother Goose can clean up her act.
I am terrible about writing your month letters on time, but just know the reason I am so far behind is because I spend ALL of my free time with you. Ask anyone I know, including your grandparents. By the time I get home from work, I want to absorb every single second with you before you go to bed. And then I have about 15 minutes to wash your bottles, have a glass of water, and brush my teeth before I go to bed myself. See below. Greasy hair, no makeup, but all that matters is that you're smiling.
The lack of free time is soooo worth it because you, my dear, are amazing. I jokingly call you my best friend (sorry Jess), and I think it's because your best friend is the person who you can be around all day long and never tire of them. And just like your Aunt Jess, you are that person to me. I love literally every single about you. Your laugh, your smile, your eyes, your hair... you name, I love it.
You have grown by leaps and bounds this month, and I do mean that literally. We had your 4 month well visit, and you have grown SIX INCHES since birth. I'm no mathematician, but 6 inches in 4 months seems like alot. Your legs may be longer than mine already, and most of your pants look like capris. You were in the 80th percentile for height, and 50th percentile for weight, which supports my theory that you are a long, lean baby. But you still have perfect amounts of baby chub in your legs, cheeks, and belly. You weigh 13 lbs 10 ounces, which is also astonishing because I still don't understand how you've gained over 6 lbs just by nursing. Like, how does the human body produce enough food to feed a child?? I just don't get it. Any scientists out there, please explain this to me. I am willing to listen to the scientific and detailed explanation, so long as you bring the coffee.
You have grown enough hair that when you wake up in the morning your hair looks fussed. It is so.stinking.adorable. The top of your head has the softest tuft of hair that is so light it makes me think you'll be a blonde. But then your mullet the back of your hair is still the dark brown that it was when you were born, so who knows. Your eyes are getting lighter every day, and are a beautiful shade of blue. Just like your daddy. But you do have a ring of hazel in them like mine, just to make your mommy feel better, I'm sure.
You talk pretty much non-stop now. You have so much to say! I think I've heard every letter of the alphabet come out of your mouth, though you have your own vocabulary. You say words that we don't understand, but we've also heard such golden vernacular as "Hey" "Yeah" "Hi" "Gee" and my personal favorite "Andy" which is strange because we certainly don't know an Andy. You better not be sneaking out already! Mommy has eyes in the back of her head now. They give them to you when you are discharged from the hospital, along with the ability to be immune to the smell of baby poo and to have no problem wiping away the near constant stream of drool on all of your clothes.
Oh yes. You drool ALL THE TIME. This started about a month ago and I thought it was because you were teething. But no teeth in sight - just enough drool to drown a small village. Fortunately, I could count on one hand how many times you spit up as a baby (including one projectile spit up incident involving an adorable green jacket- sorry Aunt Mern!!!) So now I think you are overcompensating for lack of spit up with drool. Which is cool. Drool is cool. See what I did there?
You are also WAY more mobile than the floppy baby we took home 4 months ago. We have reached the point where we can't have anything breakable near you whatsoever, because it WILL end up in your hands or on the floor (I learned this lesson when you knocked a full pint glass of water onto the ground in under two seconds). You love rolling onto your side when you're laying down, or sitting up/"standing" when you're being held. You can even sit up on your own for a few seconds! Cradling you like a baby only gets to happen at naptime and bedtime, but at least I still get to hang on to your baby snuggles for a little longer. We can basically hold you in what I call the "toddler hold" where you sort of balance the baby on your hip. You have such good head/neck/body control that you basically will be walking like tomorrow. Oh, and you also discovered this little nifty trick:
You've technically been rolling over for awhile now, but only when you're on our bed because it's so soft and plush, but now you do it on the floor and it's so cute. I could kick myself for cutting off the video when I did because for a solid minute afterward you laughed and smiled because you were so proud of yourself. One of those "mommy" moments I will never forget.
You are just so loving. The other day after I got done feeding you, you looked up at me with the most adoring eyes, and even your Aunt Lin noticed that sweet loving look you gave me. You do it all the time, but it was nice to know someone else noticed and that it wasn't just in my head. It's also amazing when your daddy comes home and you give him the biggest smiles. There is NO doubt in my mind that you know who we are, and think we're pretty cool. (Ok, I added the cool part, but you probably feel that way).
Every single day I find myself more in awe with you. I just can't imagine finding any one person more incredible than you are. I love being around you, I love seeing your beautiful smile, I love hearing you laugh, I love watching you discover new things, and most of all, I LOVE being your mom.
When someone says you look "tired" it pretty much means you look like crap.
Adam Sandler is just not funny anymore (maybe he never was?) and he needs to stop making films immediately.
Being a mom should get you a free pass to not get sick anymore. I should be immune from all diseases because I have endured childbirth. That seems fair.
Being sick when your baby wants to play and wants all of your attention is really sad :(
Never Google your symptoms when you're sick. Turns out I either have a sinus infection or throat cancer.
Let's refuse to buy the next thing after mp3s, Smart phones and DVD/Blue-Ray. I can't handle anymore technology.
Chocolate and peanut butter have no calories. Chocolate and peanut butter mixed together have a negative calorie effect. Similar to celery.
Though it really tastes no different than regular coffee, spending $4.50 on a specialty drink at Starbucks makes you feel fancy.
Happy Thursday! Hope you're all feeling better than I am :-/
It was April 2011. After months of sadness, and just feeling like.... not myself, I had finally reached a turning point. I had accepted what happened to Jack, and though I wasn't "over it" because I'll never truly be over it, I was ready to look forward to the future. I hardly ever cried anymore, which was a huge change from the daily crying sessions I'd had in the fall.
We had talked in great depth about when it would be the "right" time to get pregnant again. Part of me wanted to get pregnant immediately, but I knew it wouldn't be fair to our future baby if I wasn't truly healed from our painful and traumatic experience. I wanted to enjoy a new pregnancy as much as I could, because I already knew it would be anxiety-ridden regardless.
I had resigned myself in that I knew if it was meant to be, it would happen when it was supposed to happen. Because don't we often look back on the life-altering moments in our lives and think "Man, that was good timing"?
On the morning of Saturday, April 16th, 2011, I woke up really early. Like really early for a Saturday. (Which makes me giggle now because I used to be able to sleep from 10pm to 10am every weekend - hahahaha!) I knew on that early morning if I were pregnant, a home pregnancy test would register positive.
But I didn't feel pregnant.
I had been pregnant before, but I felt nothing. No symptoms, no signs. Just that sense of "If its meant to be, it'll be." The other thing that was different about this day was that Jon said to me the week before "I think we're going to have a baby in December, and it's going to be a girl." He seemed so confident, so I was afraid to take a test because I didn't want him to be disappointed. I had also promised him that I wouldn't take a test "early" so as to not get a false negative and hold out hope when it wasn't going to happen this time.
But, like the good wife that I am, I ignored his request and stealthily snuck into the bathroom to grab a test. I had a bunch of really cheap tests, because after all, it only costs $1 to see if you're pregnant. Or 60 cents in my case - what a bargain!
So I take this cheapie test, and I don't see any second pink line.
Dammit. I was so bummed. I grabbed the stupid test in all of its smugness and went downstairs. I set it on the coffee table (gross!) just so I could wallow in my disappointment.
About 10 seconds later, my eyes did a double take. What the........ wait, what is that? Palms on the table in disbelief, I tried to adjust my eyes with the dim of the early morning.
No, that's not what I think it is.....
I walk outside and hold the test up to the light. Still in my PJs. Hello everyone in my neighborhood, why don't you come out at this exact moment. I didn't care.
There was a second line. A faint second line, but it was definitely there.
I ran upstairs and basically jumped on Jon and scared the dickens out of him. He thought he was being attacked in his sleep. Nope, just me! With tears in my eyes, I said:
"Merry Christmas, Daddy."
It took a second to register, and then he said.... "No way." I nod my head vigorously as I hand him my 60 cent test. "Do you see a line, is there a line, ohmygod if you don't see a line I'm going to cry even harder." He takes it into the bathroom, inspects it for about 10 seconds, and then gets a huge smile on his face.
"You're pregnant."
Now all of a sudden my cheapie test wasn't good enough. I ran to the store to buy a $17 test, just so I could see the most beautiful word I had ever seen:
Actual stick I peed on
Now a year later, I can't imagine life any differently. That tiny pink line turned into this beautiful baby sitting on my lap right now, hitting the keys as I type.
And that's the story about how 60 cents changed the rest of my life.
First and foremost, I have to share this video. CNN replayed this clip yesterday morning and I laughed so hard people outside of the break room thought I was nuts. I have always loved Anderson Cooper, and yesterday I realized why:
1. He uses and abuses puns and plays on words. Brother from another mother, I do that too!!!
2. He laughs uncontrollably at his own jokes.
Seriously, watch this clip. Fast forward to 2:28 to get to the good part. If you are having a bad day, I promise it'll be better by the time you get to the end. I've seen this a million times and I still have tears in my eyes every single time. There's something so humanizing about watching a world-renowned anchor lose their shit on national television.
This week, I am also laughing at gifs. What are gifs, you ask?? Well, I have no idea what gif stands for. But these are mini-clips which, when you attach new meaning to them, become even funnier than they were on their own. I borrowed several of these gifs from When Moments Blog...hysterical!
When someone tells me I eat too much:
When someone is wrong but they insist they are right:
That amazing moment when you and your best friend say the same thing at the same time:
When you're in a great mood and your favorite song comes on:
When you say something really funny and no one is around to hear it:
My approach to dieting:
When you realize you already ate the last of the ice cream in the freezer:
That fake laugh you do when you don't understand what someone just said to you:
When you're alone in public but you don't want people to feel sorry for you:
And, my personal favorite.... that awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced that people actually think you're stupid:
My beautiful little baby is going through what the internets refer to as the "4 month wakeful" period.
Last night she went to bed at 7:30pm. Then actually went to sleep at 8:30. Then woke up at 9:30. Then 10:00. Then 10:30. And finally slept from 11:00-4:15, nursed, and went back to sleep.
Then at 5:40am, I hear her reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Or MLKs "I Have a Dream" Speech. Or the entire script of "The Princess Bride" (which I can do too, btw). Either way, at 5:40am, she just had so much to say she couldn't bear to sleep anymore.
She laid in bed with us talk, talk, talking and practicing her crunches (girlfriend just HAS to sit up now) but I had to get ready for work. Then while drinking my coffee, I got to play downstairs with her for an hour, and she couldn't have been happier. It's nice because I usually don't get to see her in the mornings before I leave for work,. Getting up at 5:40am on the weekends will not be quite as nice, so let's get this worked out by Saturday, mmmkay love?
Since I had to actually look decent for work today because we have some big whigs coming in, I had to put her back in bed with Jon eventually so I could get ready. And by get ready I mean I used hairspray today. I bet I look super fly.
When I came back in the room to grab my shoes and give them both a kiss goodbye, this is what I saw:
~ I didn't shower this morning. It was either abandon my wide-awake baby in her crib while I showered, or play with her while I hid my grunginess with perfume and makeup. I chose b.
~ it's very obvious that I didn't shower today. Side-swept greasy bangs and hair in a bun?? Dead giveaway.
~ I am jealous of moms who have babies that sleep 10+hours in a row. I know it's much more likely to have a baby that doesn't sleep that long, and thankfully, she's really cute and that truly does make up for it.
~ I plan on having 2 GIANT cups of coffee today with my new obsession, Cinnabon coffee creamer. I tracked the calories in each serving I use. Not good. But better than eating an actual Cinnabon roll. Winning!
~ I'm in a wedding in 6 weeks and I'm still 10lbs away from my goal post-baby weight. One can easily lose 10lbs in 6 weeks right??? I hear of that happening all the time. <--- Yeah right
~ if I opened up a lullaby CD someone bought for us and tried it out in my car CD player... and then realized I listened to it the entire way home. It was so soothing!
~ if I want to see Titanic 3D. It was my favorite movie back in the day, and I'm so curious to see if it looks different.
~ if I've been humming the songs on Em's butterfly light projector thingy all morning.
~ if I'm nearly 28 and still bite my nails. I can't stop. I can't.
~ if I'm a little freaked to turn 28 next month. I remember when 28 sounded old and mature and wise. Bahahaha!
So Jon comes home from class last night. We chit-chatted for a little while, talked about how cute our baby is, and then I went out to the kitchen to do the dishes. I come back into the living room and he was on his work laptop and he says to me:
"I think I may have gotten fired today."
Immediately I go into panic mode. All of these thoughts are crash landing through my head.
OMG, how can we survive off just my income??? What about Emerson??? Do we have enough diapers?? Who can I network with to get him a job quickly? Will I need to get a second job?? Will Emerson forget her momma because I'm never home??
Then he says, "Yeah, I haven't gotten one email all day. Isn't that weird??"
He was joking. A joke. I tried to play it off like I wasn't phased at all by it, but the hairs on the back of my neck were still standing up. I just casually said "Hmmm, you might not want to start sentences like that in the future." Grumble grumble. Heart rate returns to normal.
Such is the life of a mother. If someone paid me to worry, I'd be a billionaire. (The world better prepare...ohhhh ohhh, whoaaaa ohhhh... side track.... I would also be a billionaire if someone paid me to be distracted, since it comes so naturally).
Anyone else feeling refreshed from the weekend??? Jon and I had a wonderful "Family Weekend" as we're calling it. Since we are now officially a "Family" because there are three of us under one roof, we are making a distinct effort to do things together and to be present when the three of us are together. I think it can be so easy to get wrapped up in the day-to-day stressors that we often forget about our loved ones today and focus more on the problems ahead. But not us, says I!
On Saturday morning, we took Emerson to an Easter Egg hunt at this beautiful mansion and gardens in our town. I realize she can barely grab onto things, let alone locate any Easter eggs, but it's an auspicious practice to expose babies to new experiences while they're young.... I think it promotes intellectual curiosity and wonder. Plus, I like being a little kid again vicariously. Bring on the cartoons!!!
The egg hunt was supposed to start at noon, but, given that 4 month old babies rarely adhere to anyone's schedule other than their own, we pulled into the mansion at 12:12. We got Em clipped into her car seat, and I kid you not... by the time we made our way to the grassy area with the eggs... they were ALL GONE. Not one egg to speak of. Ha! We learned our lesson for next year I guess. We couldn't help laughing at all of the kids who were crying their tiny eyes out because they didn't find any eggs, which is terrible but we find temper tantrums hilarious. I know for a fact I will eat my words in 2 years or less.
My new mission is to start taking "real" pictures of our family. My parents were great about taking photographs when I was younger. Though I didn't always like posing for them, I am so grateful to have albums and albums full of childhood memories, and I want that for Emerson. And clicking a few random shots on my cell phone isn't enough.
Emerson loves:
1. Playground swing 2. Eating 3. Sleeping 4. Mommy & Daddy. In that order.
Well, we didn't see the Easter bunny, but we did manage to get a few shots of her in her Easter dress :)
It must be a mom thing, because every time I look at her, I honest to goodness see the most beautiful thing God has ever created. Do other parents feel that way??? I'm gonna guess yes definitely.
She is ROCKIN' what I call the "two tone mullet." As we all know, the safest place to put a baby to sleep is on their back, so coincidentally, many babies lose the hair on the back of their heads until they begin rolling over. My little girl loves burrowing her head back and forth all.night.long. and I find tiny little Emerson hairs on her bed all the time. Except now her hair is growing back in on the top, and it's getting really light. So she's got this tuft of blond/brown hair on top, then dark brown, then bald spot, then a mullet of really dark brown hair on the bottom. Every time I see the back of her head I crack up.
I also crack up at her pouty lips. She can go from laughing hysterically, and then, in the blink of an eye, she sticks out her pouty lip, and you know tears are about to flow. I can't help but laugh (geez, mother of the year here) because I wonder what she's thinking. Like, not one thing has change in the last 2.5 seconds, where did that pout come from?? HAHA! I promise not to laugh every time she cries as a teenager (Oh, that loser with too much hair gel didn't ask you to the prom??? I am SO disappointedfor you!)
I am also cracking up at these "Relatable Posts" I found on Pinterest. Read 'em... we've all been there.
Right Jess?!?!?!?
Truer words have never been spoken...
And finally, my personal favorite... baby humor!!!
