Today, my Anna-Boo is 8.7 months old. Which means that I've been "un-pregnant" for 8.7 months. Which also means that this is the longest period of time that has gone by since 2010 in which I am not with child.
I found out I was pregnant with Jack in May 2010. After losing him in September, I got pregnant with Emerson 7 months later. When Emerson was 8 months old, I got pregnant with Anna.
It's crazy to think how much of the last 4 years has been spent carrying a baby. It's also crazy for me to think about Sunday. Sunday is February 2nd. February 2nd will always be Jack's day but it's not Jack's day.
For those of you who came to this blog in more recent years, February 2nd was my due date. On February 2nd, 2011, I was supposed to welcome a bouncing baby boy into this world. But he and God had other plans. And now he has two beautiful sisters and two parents who think about him every day.
Still, it's hard to believe Jack would be 3 now. My best friend has a little boy who is almost 3, and sometimes I see little Connor and get sad, thinking about how they'd be best friends, and how I too should have this messy, adorable toddler boy in my house. Even as I type this, I have tears in my eyes. It's been over 3 years since we lost him, and I have two beautiful girls who I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, but the pain is real and will never go away. I will always have a lump in my throat when I think about him, and what he could have been for our family.
I have learned so many lessons about life and love since then, and I know without a doubt I am a better parent to my girls because of the loss we suffered. But February 2nd will always be a day of longing for me. Longing for something that will never come true, but accepting that life here wasn't in God's plan for us or for Jack.
And because I sign every message like this in the same way, just in case he's reading this somehow.... we miss you buddy. Every day.
Hi Audra,
ReplyDeleteI just came across your beautiful blog through Megan at It's a Wonderful Life. I am so sorry that you have suffered through such heartbreak. I share in your pain, as we lost our twin boys in June 2011. They were due 11/11, and so that is their day. I feel the same sadness when I think about having two toddlers running around and feel such a void in my heart that will truly probably never be filled. I can appreciate what you said about milestones and the beauty of others acknowledging the life of your child. We have gone on to experience the loss of 3 more babies through miscarriage since then. I am inspired reading your story of hope and rebuilding of your family. Jack is always with you and I feel as though he's reading and smiling along. Thank you for sharing your heart.