My uterus, folks, is currently empty.
After mentioning the words "baby #2" in my last post, even my own mother questioned whether or not I was with child. Mom, come on now! I promise I would tell you before the internet ;-)
But what I was referring to are some conversations I've been having lately, mostly with Jon, but some friends and family members as well. Jon just got a promotion/new job, and with said new job came a big raise. Well, big for us at least. So, naturally, when you have the world's most perfect baby, your first thought when you come into more money is "Ooooooh, let's have another baby, like NOW!!!!!"
Then the tires squeal, and you're like "Hold up, what's that now??"
I have always expected that I would have 3 children, all close in age, all awesome. But I also never expected that I would lose my first child and subsequently change my entire perspective on pregnancy, motherhood, and child-rearing.
One part of me is longing, aching, dying to be pregnant again. I love feeling baby kicks. I love having a round belly. I want Emerson to have a brother or sister to play with. I want to squeeze a squishy newborn again. I want a baby boy. I want a baby girl that can wear all of Emerson's clothes. I want to breathe in the scent of my newborn baby and feel that contented feeling that only new mommyhood can bring. I also love being a mom so much that I can only imagine it'll get even better when another baby comes along.
On the other hand, I am not sure that my mind, body and soul are ready to be pregnant again. I don't know if I'm ready for the anxiety and fear that come with being pregnant after a loss. I don't know if I'm ready physically to gain weight and endure morning sickness. I don't know if I'm ready for sleepless nights again. (Actually, I know I'm not ready for that part, because it wasn't that long ago and I still have bags under my eyes)
Right now, it feels like life could not be more perfect. We have a dream work/life schedule. Jon takes care of Em in the morning, she gets to go to day care and play with her friends, and then I pick her up in the early afternoon. We get lots of play time and snuggle time. She gets dinner, a bath, 2 or 3 books, a song, and goes to bed for 12-13 hours. Then we get "adult" time (get your head out of the gutter) when I get to cook dinner, work out, read books, and take time for me. Parenting this little angel is just so EASY and perfect. She gets all of our attention (and all of the attention anywhere we go for that matter), but we still have a good amount of free time. I have zero complaints.
So therefore, I am sure that introducing a new baby to this perfect scenario will wreak absolute havoc on our lives and bring chaos that I can't even begin to fathom. And I know that I'll miss devoting all of my time, attention, and kisses to Emerson. I can't imagine sharing those with a new baby without taking away from her. I know it can be done, but I don't know how.
I am feeling so much conflict over it, and therefore, I know now is not the right time. Maybe I'll change my mind in a month. Maybe we won't have another baby for 3 years. I have no clue. But just like I knew with Jack and with Emerson, when the time is right, we'll know.
For now, I'm going to keep doing crunches and enjoy eating sushi. Not a bad compromise.