The stripes must make her think she's in prison....
Monday, November 28, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
A Mother's Prayer for Her Daughter.... by Tina Fey
The following is an excerpt from Tina Fey's bestselling book, Bossypants. It is hilarious, and this "prayer" for her daughter was too funny and appropriate not to share. Warning: Do not read if you're easily offended!!
“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the crystal meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with beer.
Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it.
May she play the drums to the fiery rhythm of her own heart with the sinewy strength of her own arms, so she need not lie with drummers.
Grant her a rough patch from twelve to seventeen.
Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, for childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, for I will not have that shit. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a mental note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.”
-Tina Fey, Bossypants
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the crystal meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with beer.
Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it.
May she play the drums to the fiery rhythm of her own heart with the sinewy strength of her own arms, so she need not lie with drummers.
Grant her a rough patch from twelve to seventeen.
Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, for childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, for I will not have that shit. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a mental note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.”
-Tina Fey, Bossypants
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
It Happened
I tried to resist, but I couldn't.
I held out as long as I could, but I gave in.
I said I didn't need another time-waster, but now I am addicted.
..................I found Pinterest.
What is Pinterest you ask?? Well, I can't really explain it other than to say it's looking at other people's pictures, and coming up with your own inspiration boards.
Ok, let's say you find a cool recipe or a cute picture whilst surfing the 'net, and you want to remember it. But what do you do if you're like me and the number of Bookmarks you have in Internet Explorer are a mile long? Well friend, you just "Pin It."
You can also search other friend's and strangers pin boards for inspiration. Within 30 minutes, I had an entire board dedicated to my daughter. Here are some faves :)
Some cute ideas for her newborn photo session:
Teeny tiny feet!
And so begins the addiction I guess!
I held out as long as I could, but I gave in.
I said I didn't need another time-waster, but now I am addicted.
..................I found Pinterest.
Ok, let's say you find a cool recipe or a cute picture whilst surfing the 'net, and you want to remember it. But what do you do if you're like me and the number of Bookmarks you have in Internet Explorer are a mile long? Well friend, you just "Pin It."
You can also search other friend's and strangers pin boards for inspiration. Within 30 minutes, I had an entire board dedicated to my daughter. Here are some faves :)
Some cute ideas for her newborn photo session:
Precious
Must get this shot
So adorable
Teeny tiny feet!
Not naming her Baker, but we do have blocks with her name :)
Unbelievably cute.. birth announcement maybe?
So so sweet
And so begins the addiction I guess!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
It's Ok Thursday
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| Link up! |
... to register for a Panera frequent buyer card just so you can get the complimentary chocolate croissant that comes with your registration.
... to think that men who cheat on their fabulous, gorgeous, amazing wives are the scum of the earth and are contributing to the downfall of our society.
... to have 7 lip glosses/balms/sticks in your purse, when all you use is the Blistex.
... to deny Facebook friend requests from people you haven't spoken to in 5+ years. Do you really care about getting back in touch with me, or do you just want to snoop in the hopes that my life is less awesome than yours?
... to admit to yourself that you are a nail-biter (for the 100th time in 27 years).
... to eat twice the amount of mashed potatoes at dinner than your husband. One for me, one for the baby. It's just math.
... to ignore the reviews of Breaking Dawn and be super excited to see it with your besties tomorrow. What critic is going to give a tween flick at the end of a 5-movie series a 4 star-review?? They would be laughed out of the break room, and they're only trying to save face, but you know they secretly loved it.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Sleep now (or forever hold your peace)
When you are pregnant, you get all SORTS of unsolicited advice.
Don't eat this, eat a bunch of that, don't walk too much, don't forget to walk everyday, you're not gaining enough weight, you look huge are you sure you're not having twins, use cloth diapers, don't use cloth diapers, pacifiers are the devil, pacifiers are a necessity and here's the best kind, you're carrying high your doctor is wrong that must be a boy, you're carrying high you're having a girl aren't you, you won't be able to breastfeed because it's too hard, breastfeeding is the best thing you can do for your child, how can you eat that piece of cheese don't you know that babies hate cheese?!?!!?!?
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
For the most part, I just smile and nod and say thank you when someone offers me advice that I haven't asked for. I think people mean well, and want you to learn from their wisdom (or their mistakes). I get that. I take everything with a grain of salt though, because, as demonstrated above, advice is often contradictory.
In fact, the one thing I've truly accept about parenting advice?? What works for one baby may not and probably will not work for another. Humans are unique, complex creatures with varied temperaments, and I for one am grateful that this little girl bounding away in my belly is, literally, one of a kind.
One piece of advice that I have been hearing non-stop lately: "Oh, you're having a baby?? Sleep now."
Um, what?? I do sleep now. I sleep every day in fact. Though my daily routine varies, the one constant in all of my 27 years has been that every single day, I sleep. It's necessary for survival.
However, as we know because science tells us, you can't "bank" sleep, nor can you truly catch up on lost sleep time. If you pull an all-nighter and crash the next day, you may be able to function, but you're still not going to feel as good as you would have with 8.75 hours of sleep on both of those nights.
So, as well-meaning as the "Sleep now" advice is, honestly, it's not helpful. I completely understand that, as a new parent, I am going to be sleep-deprived. Like, more tired than I've ever been in my life. I am not that naive. But am I willing to be a zombie for a few months/years in order to take home a sweet, healthy baby?? You bet your ass I am. For me, there couldn't be a smaller price to pay.
And speaking of sleep... I have heard so many horror stories about the end of pregnancy. How you're miserable, uncomfortable, and all you want is for the baby to get out. Somehow, I think the universe has decided to give me a thumbs-up on this matter, because I am sleeping like a CHAMP these days. Even better than before I was pregnant I think. Knock.on.wood. Of course, I have a solid recipe of conditions that I think contribute to my blissful slumber:
- Dark, cool room
- White noise
- King-size bed with a plush matttress topper
- A hubby who doesn't snore, bed hog, or steal the covers
- Four, yes four, pillows. One of each side of me, and two behind my head.
Ahhhhh, just thinking about it makes me sleepy.
Don't eat this, eat a bunch of that, don't walk too much, don't forget to walk everyday, you're not gaining enough weight, you look huge are you sure you're not having twins, use cloth diapers, don't use cloth diapers, pacifiers are the devil, pacifiers are a necessity and here's the best kind, you're carrying high your doctor is wrong that must be a boy, you're carrying high you're having a girl aren't you, you won't be able to breastfeed because it's too hard, breastfeeding is the best thing you can do for your child, how can you eat that piece of cheese don't you know that babies hate cheese?!?!!?!?
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
For the most part, I just smile and nod and say thank you when someone offers me advice that I haven't asked for. I think people mean well, and want you to learn from their wisdom (or their mistakes). I get that. I take everything with a grain of salt though, because, as demonstrated above, advice is often contradictory.
In fact, the one thing I've truly accept about parenting advice?? What works for one baby may not and probably will not work for another. Humans are unique, complex creatures with varied temperaments, and I for one am grateful that this little girl bounding away in my belly is, literally, one of a kind.
One piece of advice that I have been hearing non-stop lately: "Oh, you're having a baby?? Sleep now."
 |
| via |
However, as we know because science tells us, you can't "bank" sleep, nor can you truly catch up on lost sleep time. If you pull an all-nighter and crash the next day, you may be able to function, but you're still not going to feel as good as you would have with 8.75 hours of sleep on both of those nights.
So, as well-meaning as the "Sleep now" advice is, honestly, it's not helpful. I completely understand that, as a new parent, I am going to be sleep-deprived. Like, more tired than I've ever been in my life. I am not that naive. But am I willing to be a zombie for a few months/years in order to take home a sweet, healthy baby?? You bet your ass I am. For me, there couldn't be a smaller price to pay.
And speaking of sleep... I have heard so many horror stories about the end of pregnancy. How you're miserable, uncomfortable, and all you want is for the baby to get out. Somehow, I think the universe has decided to give me a thumbs-up on this matter, because I am sleeping like a CHAMP these days. Even better than before I was pregnant I think. Knock.on.wood. Of course, I have a solid recipe of conditions that I think contribute to my blissful slumber:
 |
| Me, minus the "Beauty" and asleep for 100 years part |
- White noise
- King-size bed with a plush matttress topper
- A hubby who doesn't snore, bed hog, or steal the covers
- Four, yes four, pillows. One of each side of me, and two behind my head.
Ahhhhh, just thinking about it makes me sleepy.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Oops
My weekend productivity?
I accidentally bought this:
and this:
for the baby. That makes four Christmas outfits that she owns. FOUR. Did I mention that she's due ON Christmas Day? And that the majority of babies who are delivered naturally are overdue? So she could very well be born in January?? Yep.
But when I rationalized to myself that the baby needed a Christmas dress, because what else would she wear on Christmas day, surprisingly it just landed it my cart. I mean, we can't bring her home in regular old pajamas right?!?!
And so it begins....
I accidentally bought this:
and this:
for the baby. That makes four Christmas outfits that she owns. FOUR. Did I mention that she's due ON Christmas Day? And that the majority of babies who are delivered naturally are overdue? So she could very well be born in January?? Yep.
But when I rationalized to myself that the baby needed a Christmas dress, because what else would she wear on Christmas day, surprisingly it just landed it my cart. I mean, we can't bring her home in regular old pajamas right?!?!
And so it begins....
Thursday, November 10, 2011
It's Ok Thursday
To go to The Melting Pot and only order the melted cheese and chocolate, and consider that a meal.
To want my baby girl to talk/act like Agnes from Despicable Me. I realize she's animated and not real, but she's just soooo cute. See, look!
To not care when people give me the side-eye for carrying around a large Starbucks coffee whilst pregnant. It's called DECAF, Nosy McNoserson.
To care more than a little bit that my engagement ring is getting snug and I might not be able to wear it at the end of my pregnancy and I AM worried about the side-eye I'll be receiving from meddling old bitties in the supermarket who think I'm an unmarried harlot.
To ignore the comments I get when I waddle around the gym. "Haven't you had that baby yet?" or "You look like you're about to burst!" are my favorites. I credit staying active during my pregnancy for how good I feel and sleep, so I'm not gonna give it up just because my pregnant belly is only slightly larger than some of the beer-gutted men who make those comments.
To think Cinnamon Toast Crunch is a fantastic dessert.
To drink 3 glasses of skim milk per day. What my baby wants, my baby gets ;-)
To have $4.20 in fines at the library. Whoops.
To be selling my Friends DVDs on eBay. I am an anti-hoarder, and the boxes are taking up precious real estate in my attic. Besides, you can catch any episode re-run you want on TBS or basically any cable channel. It's fine. We were on a break.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
What I'm Loving Wednesday
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| This Kind of Love |
I'm loving.... the new single "Heartbeat" The Fray. They are one of my favorite bands, and I am probably biased because this was the first show Jon and I saw together, and we danced to one of our songs at our wedding, but I just love their music. I have a soft spot for the piano, so you can pretty much guarantee if a piano is playing in the background, I'm gonna like the song. Just ask Mr. William Joel. Big fan.
I'm loving....That all of my sweaters from Express STILL fit, even at almost 8 months along!
I'm loving.... The First Husband by Laura Dave.
It's the required reading for our book club this month, and sometimes, you just need a little chick lit in your life. It's so nice to break away from reading finance documents (at work) and reading parenting and childbirth books and feeling inadequate (at home). I'm only about 1/3 of the way in, but I am really enjoying it so far and just want to know what happens!
I'm loving... my 4 day work week! We have Friday off for Veteran's Day so I am treating myself to that prenatal massage Jon bought us for Sweetest Day, and I'm also getting a haircut. I'll be a brand new woman! Any hair suggestions?? I don't want to chop too much length off but I'm kinda bored with what I've got going on now. These bangs need trimmed for sure, I look like the Hamburgular.
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| Yes, YOU need a haircut! |
What are you loving today??
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Nerd Alert!
SUPER excited about the fact that Breaking Dawn Part I is coming out next Friday.
And I LOVE this song from the movie by Christina Perry:
I am geeked out on Twilight-related things right now, and I don't care. Who's with me?!?!?!?! Anyone?? Anyone?!?
And I LOVE this song from the movie by Christina Perry:
I am geeked out on Twilight-related things right now, and I don't care. Who's with me?!?!?!?! Anyone?? Anyone?!?
Monday, November 7, 2011
This is what my weekend consisted of
Making this alfredo sauce and pairing it with spaghetti and bacon. A fat-filled dream come true.
Walking at a glacial pace on the treadmill at Snap Fitness while watching Serendipity. John Cusack is a cutie, in that weird, was probably a cute guy in your high school but you never noticed him, kind of way.
Discovering that we still own both a Playstation 2 AND the Family Guy video game for it and wasting 90 minutes of my day playing it. And then I painted a giant L on my forehead.
Spending TWO HOURS at Lowe's helping Jon pick out lumber for baby girl's closet. And when I say help, I really mean I sat on the industrial cart and looked at my fingernails while he painstakingly chose the best quality items for her nursery. I knew I married a handyman, but seriously... the stuff this man knows how to do blows me away. I'm excited to share nursery and bathroom pictures once those projects are complete... hopefully in the next few weeks!
Taking a trip to Buy Buy Baby to buy buy some essentials for our sweet little nugget. I picked up some Carter's newborn-sized long sleeve bodysuits with matching pants. Some people tell me not to bother with newborn size, because most babies grow out of them quickly. Others say that their little ones wore them for over a month before switching over to the 0-3 month size. So I'm keeping the tags on just in case. But aren't they sweet??
I also bought her an infant-sized Santa hat, just to further her humiliation when I bring her baby books out on prom night.
Mexican food and fro-yo with my friends Heather and Skye, and her two little ones (who are adorable and are excited to meet their new friend!). We went to a place near here called Spoon Me, and though it is no Orange Leaf by any means, it did hit the spot.
Annnnd, since I have a slight problem... I may have ordered two more infant headbands for baby girl. Whoever told me it was an addiction was NOT joking. But I bought these two from an Etsy shop of a friend's cousin, so I feel like I'm just supporting entrepreneurship and am therefore justified.
Also, thanks to good old DST, I slept 10 GLORIOUS HOURS on both Saturday and Sunday mornings. I really need to knock on a giant piece of wood, but as of now (33 weeks and counting) I am still sleeping wonderfully and feeling really, really good. The pregnancy gods are being kind to me, so now I need to come up with some sort of sacrifice to keep them happy for the next 48 days.
Discovering that we still own both a Playstation 2 AND the Family Guy video game for it and wasting 90 minutes of my day playing it. And then I painted a giant L on my forehead.
Spending TWO HOURS at Lowe's helping Jon pick out lumber for baby girl's closet. And when I say help, I really mean I sat on the industrial cart and looked at my fingernails while he painstakingly chose the best quality items for her nursery. I knew I married a handyman, but seriously... the stuff this man knows how to do blows me away. I'm excited to share nursery and bathroom pictures once those projects are complete... hopefully in the next few weeks!
Taking a trip to Buy Buy Baby to buy buy some essentials for our sweet little nugget. I picked up some Carter's newborn-sized long sleeve bodysuits with matching pants. Some people tell me not to bother with newborn size, because most babies grow out of them quickly. Others say that their little ones wore them for over a month before switching over to the 0-3 month size. So I'm keeping the tags on just in case. But aren't they sweet??
I also bought her an infant-sized Santa hat, just to further her humiliation when I bring her baby books out on prom night.
Mexican food and fro-yo with my friends Heather and Skye, and her two little ones (who are adorable and are excited to meet their new friend!). We went to a place near here called Spoon Me, and though it is no Orange Leaf by any means, it did hit the spot.
Annnnd, since I have a slight problem... I may have ordered two more infant headbands for baby girl. Whoever told me it was an addiction was NOT joking. But I bought these two from an Etsy shop of a friend's cousin, so I feel like I'm just supporting entrepreneurship and am therefore justified.
What fun/awesome/unproductive things did you do this weekend??
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
You know you have issues when....
... your search terms on Etsy include "vintage infant headbands"
... you eat 4 chicken legs and don't even feel full
... you're bummed you have to work tomorrow because you won't be home until 9:30pm tonight but you really want to wash your sheets because the fabric softener smell is gone and you just sleep sooooo much better when Downy is invading your lungs
#pregnantwomanissues
... you eat 4 chicken legs and don't even feel full
... you're bummed you have to work tomorrow because you won't be home until 9:30pm tonight but you really want to wash your sheets because the fabric softener smell is gone and you just sleep sooooo much better when Downy is invading your lungs
#pregnantwomanissues
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Yep, that's happening
Today is November 1st....
...which means we're having a baby NEXT month!!!!!!!!!#$@$^%%#$%^
...which also means that it's socially acceptable to listen to Christmas music now.
...which means we're having a baby NEXT month!!!!!!!!!#$@$^%%#$%^
Here's a favorite of mine if you're in the mood too ;-)
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