Tuesday, September 22, 2015

5 years

5 years ago today, everything I knew about life, love and the world around me completely changed.

5 years ago, I experienced the most significant, most debilitating pain and sorrow a human could feel. To have to say goodbye to the son that we loved and wanted SO BADLY. To say goodbye to a life that hadn't even begun. To watch our dreams of starting a perfect life as a family of three shattered before our eyes.

You would think that 5 years later I've reached acceptance. That my grief over Jack is gone because I have my two sweet, perfect daughters here to take the heartache away.

But no. It's still there. It will always be there.

I don't know if I'll ever get to a point where thinking of Jack doesn't immediately make me cry. Unlike losing my Dad, which has been so hard these past two months, I don't have any of the happy memories with Jack to get me through the tough times. Jack never got to take a breath, meet his siblings, or get bigger.

September has never been a good month for us. It's the month we lost Jack, the month of Anna's scary ordeal two years ago, and now it's the month where my Dad will no longer celebrate his birthdays because he's gone. It's also the title of a really horrible song by Daughtry. When September 1st comes around, I find myself wishing the month would just be over because there are so many painful memories.

With all that said, I know one thing for absolute certain. My Dad and Jack would NOT want us to waste one second of this beautiful month being sad. Dad would insist that we go outside for hikes and enjoy the cooler temperatures. And I know in my heart that Jack would want to watch his little sisters play in the leaves and enjoy the time outside.

5 years later, I am still hurting over the loss of our sweet baby boy. But his tiny little life and perfect soul have absolutely served a purpose and will continue to do so. I know there is no way I could be the kind of mother I am, wife I am, and person I want to be if I hadn't had Jack.

I want to continue attempting to (and usually failing, but attempting is the most important part) live a life that would make them proud. To love others, to do good, and to be happy.

I started this blog 5 years ago to document my grief, and from this point forward, I only want to document the joy in our lives. I want to keep the memory of the most important people I have lost alive, and use their image to make a happy life for our daughters.

So September, from now on, I am turning over a new leaf.

post signature

post signature


  1. Beautifully written, Audra! I am wishing you joy.

  2. Sweet Jack. How lucky you both are to have had each other.

  3. You're making me weep at my new job. I love you and your ability to live and love so fully, even when it can be so hard.

  4. Thinking of you. I can't believe it's already been 5 years. What a beautifully written post.