I've finally reached that point

My entire life, I've been counting down to something. Always waiting for the next big event, the next milestone, the next, way-more-exciting-than-what-is-happening-now thing to happen. I even wrote an entire blog post dedicated to countdowns almost 4 years ago, when I was at a very different place in my life.

When I was little, the "big things" were so innocent:

"I can't wait for that sleepover at my friend's house."

"I can't wait for Beauty & the Beast to come out on video."

"I can't wait for our trip to Disney World."

When I reached adolescence, it was all about wishing my youth away so I could be "older":

"I can't wait to turn 13 so I can be a teenager."

"I can't wait to turn 16 so I can drive."

"I can't wait to turn 18 so I can be an adult'" (HA!)

"I can't wait to turn 21 so I can (legally) drink alcohol."

"I can't wait to start my first 'real' job."

And then into adulthood, it was all about hitting the "adult" milestones

"I can't wait to finish grad school!"

 "I can't wait to buy a house!"

"I can't wait until our wedding!"

"I can't wait to have babies!" 

And finally, the journey into parenthood:

"I can't wait to be pregnant again."

"I can't wait to hold that baby in my arms."

"I can't wait until she sleeps through the night."

"I can't wait until she walks"

 

"I can't wait until she talks" 

See a theme here? Waiting, waiting, waiting. Lots of waiting. 30 years of waiting in fact.

Some would argue that I'm simply a future-oriented person who gets excited over the little things. This is true. But on a 14-hour drive in the middle of the night on our way back from Charleston, I had a revelation of sorts.

I was lamenting to Jon that our summer vacation was over, the last of 3 trips I've had the privilege to go on this summer, and that meant fall was right around the corner.  Fall is an extremely busy time in the life of a college career counselor, so I knew the "lazy" days of summer were coming to an end.

But then I looked in the back seat, at my sleeping babies, and all of a sudden I had this overwhelming urge to freeze time. They both looked so angelic, so peaceful, and I will have that beautiful image in my brain for the rest of my life.

Because I finally realized: "I don't want this time to end."

I've spent 30 years waiting for the next big thing, and now, I realize the biggest and best thing is right here, right now. I've always wanted to speed things up, and now, I am at the place in my life where things are so good, I'd be content to stay in this bubble for the rest of my life.

I'm not saying my life has reached it's peak; far from it. There are goals to achieve, memories to make, and I still want to contribute to the greater good in a way that I have not discovered yet. I'm still going to look forward to events with the same joy I always have.

But after all of the waiting, the wondering, the struggles, and the pain, I don't want to wish away one more second. Every second I have on Earth, and every second I have as a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend is a second worth cherishing. I get it now.

 

Today I'm thankful for

After getting up at 5:00AM (?!?@$@#?$@#) to work at a career fair this morning, this beverage has quite literally saved my life today. 5:00AM is NOT an hour that should be seen. It's inhuman. If you do it, I'm sorry but you are cray cray.

Hi, my name is Audra, and yes I am addicted to coffee, and no I don't care what you think. Have a good day.

"Thankful"

Thanksgiving was hard, and I know no one can blame me for not feeling particularly "thankful" this year, but despite everything, I am reminded EVERY single day of how lucky I am to have this wonderful man as my husband.

So this year, I am most thankful for every person, place, and event that helped the stars align in order to bring the two of us together.

The Greatest Form of Renewable Energy: Conversations with Great People

Last week was a bad week.

I was running on "empty" in every sense of the word. I was tired every day, but I couldn't sleep. I decided to switch to decaf (soooo not the same as regular). I was feeling really sad. I couldn't believe it had already been over 6 weeks since we lost JBF... it feels like a lifetime ago, even though the pain is still very present.

On a whim, I decided to visit some friends for the weekend. I needed a few smiles. What I got were dozens of belly laughs and a renewed sense of self.

I met JM and MN in a cute little uptown area, where they surprised me with a mani/pedi at a salon. I have gotten a total of one pedicure in my entire life, and holy moly, it is heaven. The three of us gals were perched up on these amazing massage chairs, chatting and gossiping away like nosy southern belles. I swear we probably disturbed every single person within city limits, but we didn't care. I loved every second of it.

Then we all headed to one of my favorite restaurants of all time (see blurry pic of our manicures on the menu... I have abnormally long fingers). And then to top that off, we went to the Melting Pot for dessert and proceeded to embarrass ourselves from one end of the restaurant to the other. I am not sure if I've ever laughed so hard in my entire life. It was wonderful and exactly what I needed. I can't image life without these two... every visit is full of happiness and laughs. I am so grateful for their friendship.

The following morning, I was able to meet up with one of my other life partners, JMP. We made a random pit stop at a local fave, and it was nice to catch up. We haven't had one-on-one time in awhile, and it was wonderful. JMP is such a good listener, and let me pour my heart out over my lunch of cottage cheese and chili (Best combo ever, btw). I love having a friend who is so genuine and can give me snippets of advice while also telling me that it is OKAY to feel how I feel. Always, anytime, my feelings are justified to me by my understanding and encouraging friend. I love that.

To add to the positivity of the weekend, I had two long conversations with both my mom and my dad. It has been hard to talk to them since we lost JBF, because I know they are hurting not only for the loss of their grandson, but also hurting for their daughter. But yesterday's conversations were filled with happy thoughts about the future, and I got off the phone with both of them smiling. Cap Sunday night off with dinner with one of my favorite groups of people, and this weekend became one of the best I've had in a long time.

I woke up this morning feeling re-energized. I truly feel like the people in my life are what keep my going at the speed I'm cruising on. Every time I feel like I need to make a u-turn, I have someone in my life who is there to keep me going in the right direction.

So I just want to say thank you to everyone in my life... I'd be stuck in a ditch without you.