Do You Want to Build a Snowman?

I saw the following comment on Facebook, and I feel the need to repeat it here: 

 Go home winter!! YOU'RE DRUNK!!! 

Seriously. It snowed on Saturday. Legit snow.

 My emotions and my sinuses cannot handle this winter any more. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw:

Ok, but speaking of winter, the movie Frozen has taken over my house. Emerson loves the songs from the movie, and makes me sing them or play them at every turn. And, truth time, I'm kind of okay with it. Except this weekend, after the 4th viewing in 7 days, I watched this scene and just cried like a baby.

 I won't give you a synopsis, because that would take too long, but basically take a scene with two sisters who are forced apart for 18 years and then their parents die and I am going to lose my shit. And now every time I watch or even think of this scene, particularly the last part, I can't hold it together. 

I just can't propcess anything in that scene. My girls not being best friends. Us not being around for them. Being trapped in eternal winter. You know, all that.

 Disney. Ripping mothers' hearts out of their chests since 1923.

 

The Hardest Job You Will Ever Have

What if I told you that there was a job out there that:

~ despite advanced degrees you will never know enough about

~ you will live in constant fear that you're doing it "wrong"

~ every day would present some type of challenge that you probably feel you can't handle

Any takers? 

Yeah, who would want THAT type of job right?

Yet millions of us do it every year. 

That job? It's called being a mom.

And without a doubt, it is the hardest job I have ever or will ever have.

We're going through a tough time right now. We recently had to switch daycare providers, and though our current situation is perfect (close to home, affordable, wonderful people), Emerson is having a really hard time with it. She's been with the same sitter her whole life, but she was unable to watch both our girls so we had to find someone else. But Emerson doesn't get that. All she knows is that mommy and daddy leave her with a relative stranger, and every single day for the last 2.5 weeks, she cries big tears when we drop her off. It's HEARTBREAKING. I'm worried she'll have abandonment issues. I'm worried she'll never adjust to this new place. I'm worried she'll start to become withdrawn.

And then Anna got the stomach flu. My tiny baby was vomiting for 24 hours straight, and was just SO SAD. If she was awake, she was crying or whimpering. She doesn't understand why she feels so bad, and I miss seeing her smiling face. I couldn't put her down for almost an entire day, and I knew she just felt so terrible. How frustrating it must be to feel that crappy and not be able to express it.

It's hard just to get through the workday with this much worry weighing so heavily on my heart. I know in the long run, they'll both be fine and probably fine soon too. But that doesn't make it any easier, and makes me realize that it will never get easier. I will always find something to worry about. I have never worried about anything as much as I worry about my girls. 

I hate that I can't always take away their fear or their pain. And I hate being away from them. And I hate how hard this "mom" job can be sometimes, because I just want their lives to be perfect and I hate knowing that they're not. I am still shocked I didn't have to fill out an application, or get a background check, or take a stress test.

But, I firmly believe the reason I am a mom 3 times over is because someone knew I could handle it.

Because I also can't imagine loving any job ever in the world more than this one. 

Still, any reassuring "Your girls will be fine" comments would be helpful :-)

The first and last time I ever cut my daughter's hair

Oh, me. 

So hear me out. 

My darling girl was getting a mullet again. You remember her mullet from a few months ago? Well, it looked like this, but was worse. 

Just kidding. More like this:

Her bangs were in her face, and her hair was so long in the back. I just couldn't let her go on having hair in her eyes and have a mullet. I make fun of mullets. I can't make fun of Emerson.

Adorable, yes. But we constantly had to push her bangs to the side so she could see. Not good.

 

So I said to myself: "Self, instead of taking her to Cookie Cutters, you can just give her a quick trim after her bath tonight. You're good with scissors."

WRONG. SO WRONG.

I did SUCH a bad job. It looks like a blind man with a butcher knife cut this poor child's hair. These pictures do not do it justice. Check out the uneven-ness in the back, and the super super short bangs in the front. Ugh. I'm so ashamed.

And, in fine parenting fashion, Jon and I could not stop laughing at how bad it looked. (Please forgive me baby girl, if you're reading this someday. I'm not perfect, but you know that by now).

I took her the next day to get her hair fixed so that she no longer looked like an Amish boy. 

It's super short now (the stylist literally had to take an electric razor to the back of her head, that's how bad it was) but I am telling people that it's a light and fresh haircut for summer. 

And that is how I sleep at night.

Heartbreak

Ugh.

This is the part being a "working mom" kills me.

Emerson woke up around 7:00am this morning; I normally leave at 7:05am. But I played with her for a few minutes, we giggled, and then I handed her off to dada so I could go to work.

The moment I set her down, she started wailing.

I left the room, the wailing got louder.

I peeked my head back into the room, she stopped crying and started crawling toward me. I gave her another quick kiss, and told her she was going to be okay. She smiled.

I left again, and the wailing continued, louder this time.

I realize that she'll never remember this, and Jon said she was fine shortly afterward, but this is the kind of thing that CRUSHES my heart. I wish I could be around her all day, every day :(

Mommy sob story over. Excuse me while I cry into my coffee.

:(

8 months

Dear Emerson,

I know I start out each of these monthly letters by telling you "Oh, this is my favorite stage...... You are so wonderful at this age.....This is the best age so far...." or some other variable of that. But I swear, this time I mean it. At least until next month.

I am just loving every single about you (as if I didn't before, but still, I need to get that point across). I am finally starting to truly understand the concept of parental love. It manifests itself in so many ways, but I know for sure that I am a different person now as your mother than I was before, because of how little other things matter now that you're here. I just don't see how you could ever do wrong in my eyes. I know you'll make mistakes, and I may even be angry with you some day... I shudder at the thought. Darn you adolescence. But I can see how parents defend their children until kingdom comes, because that's what motherhood does to you. Your dad and I go to bed each night, look at your sweet face on the monitor, and give a contented sigh. Daddy says it best when he says "She is the best thing I've ever done - how did we do so good?" Some day you may think your parents are crazy, but just know that we made you, and that proves that we've done something right in our lives.

So what are you up to this month? Well, a better question would be "What are you NOT up to this month??" You are definitely finding your independence while also proving that you need/want your momma around. You have started to understand that when I leave for work in the mornings, you won't see me again until the early evening, and for the last week or so you've cried when I left, and I have to come right back and snuggle you up because it breaks my heart. I know 8-9 months is a typical range for separation anxiety, but I die a little inside when it happens. Luckily, you rebound quickly and then get to play with dada and your friends at daycare all day, and you come home with this big smile on your face.

Look at you, reaching out and tugging on my heart strings

You are becoming so mobile. You can go wherever you want now, and find unique ways to get there too. Your favorites are "worming," crawling backwards, stretching and rolling, or, your most favorite, having us "walk" you somewhere. You've been doing that for months now, but it seems like you're constantly reaching your tiny hands out to grab my fingers, and grabbing my fingers enables you to pull yourself up so you can walk somewhere. I think you've realized that "walking" is faster than crawling, so apparently that old adage "Before you can walk you have to learn to crawl" doesn't hold true in your case - a trendsetter already!! You can even stand while only using one hand, and you're getting really good at "cruising" along furniture.

 

You are just SUCH a happy baby. So happy. All the time. If you're not happy, it's because there is something very simple and easy that's upsetting your perfect balance (hungry, tired, missing mama) and once that's remedied, you're back to flashing that wide-mouthed grin. You also understand the difference between "Mama" and "Dada" and you melt our hearts into pathetic puddles when you reach your hand out and ask for us by name.

You're so curious. You want to see everything, touch everything, crawl everything, move everywhere. If there is anything in someone else's hands, you will claim it for your own. And most people oblige, because you're so cute. We may be buying Aunt Lindsay a new iPhone this month. But at least you're happy, right??

You're just so sweet. You love your family, you love animals, and you love exploring. You're calm but not shy. Just look at this picture. It looks like you're pondering the weight of the world, when really, I'm sure you were just looking at the neighbor's dog.

You're becoming such a good eater! I care alot about what types of food we give you, because I feel like it's my job to make you an informed, responsible healthy eater. You've never had jarred baby food. Between your grandma Bev and some late night oven cooking, we have enough homemade food to last you until you're 2. But we also recently started giving you finger foods, and I am so impressed with how quickly you picked it up. It took about a day, but now you can eat anything I put in front of you. Whole wheat pasta. Black Beans. Broccoli. You grab a handful and you gobble it right up! Who knows, maybe you won't be a picky eater as a toddler too?? <-- Wishful thinking, but we'll go with it.

You're a beautiful baby. Those blue eyes. That blonde hair. Those cheeks. Those pouty lips. I could stare at you all day. I don't know how you're my child. If I didn't actually give birth to you I would think that daddy found a supermodel to make a baby with.

Some days I wish I could freeze time and have you be my sweet 8-month old forever. But I can't, and I know it's for the best because I love watching you grow. Just know that whether you are 1 or 20 or 60, you will always be my baby, and I will work my entire life to make sure that you know love and feel love every single day.

Love,

Mama

It's all worth it

Classes begin next Wednesday, which means I will pretty much have no free time for the next 3 months.

I've been working late every night this week in preparation for the craziness. For 3 nights in a row, I wasn't able to put Emerson to bed. Which was heartbreaking, since that only happened one other time (when we were in Vegas).

So last night I got to come home at a decent hour. I pulled up to the side of the house, and Jon was just pulling Emerson out of her stroller. They had gone on a walk while waiting for me.

I got out of the car, and all of a sudden she spotted me and went NUTS. Huge smile, mouth wide open, legs kicking, squeals of glee.

In all my life, with all of my loves, I have never had anyone that genuinely excited and exhilarated to see me. I had to snap a photo to capture the moment.

I'm sorry, but nothing compares to this.

Take-home Baby #2

Before proceeding with the following post, please take note of one important thing:

My uterus, folks, is currently empty.

After mentioning the words "baby #2" in my last post, even my own mother questioned whether or not I was with child. Mom, come on now! I promise I would tell you before the internet ;-)

But what I was referring to are some conversations I've been having lately, mostly with Jon, but some friends and family members as well. Jon just got a promotion/new job, and with said new job came a big raise. Well, big for us at least. So, naturally, when you have the world's most perfect baby, your first thought when you come into more money is "Ooooooh, let's have another baby, like NOW!!!!!"

Then the tires squeal, and you're like "Hold up, what's that now??"

I have always expected that I would have 3 children, all close in age, all awesome. But I also never expected that I would lose my first child and subsequently change my entire perspective on pregnancy, motherhood, and child-rearing.

One part of me is longing, aching, dying to be pregnant again. I love feeling baby kicks. I love having a round belly. I want Emerson to have a brother or sister to play with. I want to squeeze a squishy newborn again. I want a baby boy. I want a baby girl that can wear all of Emerson's clothes. I want to breathe in the scent of my newborn baby and feel that contented feeling that only new mommyhood can bring. I also love being a mom so much that I can only imagine it'll get even better when another baby comes along.

On the other hand, I am not sure that my mind, body and soul are ready to be pregnant again. I don't know if I'm ready for the anxiety and fear that come with being pregnant after a loss. I don't know if I'm ready physically to gain weight and endure morning sickness. I don't know if I'm ready for sleepless nights again. (Actually, I know I'm not ready for that part, because it wasn't that long ago and I still have bags under my eyes)

Right now, it feels like life could not be more perfect. We have a dream work/life schedule. Jon takes care of Em in the morning, she gets to go to day care and play with her friends, and then I pick her up in the early afternoon. We get lots of play time and snuggle time. She gets dinner, a bath, 2 or 3 books, a song, and goes to bed for 12-13 hours. Then we get "adult" time (get your head out of the gutter) when I get to cook dinner, work out, read books, and take time for me. Parenting this little angel is just so EASY and perfect. She gets all of our attention (and all of the attention anywhere we go for that matter), but we still have a good amount of free time. I have zero complaints.

So therefore, I am sure that introducing a new baby to this perfect scenario will wreak absolute havoc on our lives and bring chaos that I can't even begin to fathom. And I know that I'll miss devoting all of my time, attention, and kisses to Emerson. I can't imagine sharing those with a new baby without taking away from her. I know it can be done, but I don't know how.

I am feeling so much conflict over it, and therefore, I know now is not the right time. Maybe I'll change my mind in a month. Maybe we won't have another baby for 3 years. I have no clue. But just like I knew with Jack and with Emerson, when the time is right, we'll know. 

For now, I'm going to keep doing crunches and enjoy eating sushi. Not a bad compromise.

What's Up to My Cup

(A million points for any of you out there that get that obscure title reference).

Babies are funny. Emerson does not have a shortage on toys (or clothes or baby food for that matter). She's got toys in every room of the house. Literally every room. We need to have a source of entertainment for her at all times. And when I say need, I mean, we do, even though I could stick a t-shirt in front of her and she would think it was awesome.

But her most favorite toy???

Stacking cups.

She loves these cups. L-O-V-E-S them. Her face lights up when there's a cup in sight. She is *this close* to crawling, and I swear that it's because her cups are scattered throughout the whole house, and she will army crawl/roll to get a cup that's across the room. It is her mission in life, I think.

But seriously, of all the things, THIS is her jam? I think some day for baby #2 (more on that later), I will save our money on toys and clothes and just buy plastic things from the dollar store. No joke.

In other mommy-related news that no one cares about, yesterday was the 30 week mark! Emerson has been out of my belly almost as long as she was in.

Here I am at 30 weeks in:

And here we are 30 weeks out:

My stomach is smaller, definitely, but I still have the "mom pouch" going on. I am joining Shannon's "300/30 Day Ab Challenge" and so naturally, I will have a six pack in 30 days. That's just how the world works.

I get it now

As a mommy-to-be, I constantly wondered what my parenting style would be. I read all the books, blogs, and boards; I talked to friends, co-workers, random moms on the street. By the time Em was born, I had a list of convictions I felt strongly about, as well as a list of things that I would "never" do as a mom.

You see, before you are a mom yourself, you would like to believe that you're never going to be one of those moms that cause others to roll their eyes and want to cauterize their ovaries so they don't become smug like you.

On my shortlist, I have:

• I will never own a minivan
• I will never put my child or someone's else child down for being less/more advanced than the other 
• I will not worry and panic about things that my doctor says are absolutely normal 
• I will never take my child for granted or joke that they are a burden on me. There are thousands, probably millions of women who would give anything to be in my shoes.

And so far, I have stuck with all of these convictions and upheld them. (I do wake up in a cold sweat thinking about how convenient a minivan would be - must banish those thoughts).

But there is one conviction I had before coming a mom that has been absolutely obliterated:

• I will not be one of "those" moms who whips out pictures of her child without being prompted.

We've all been there... random people who you barely know will practically set up a projector and show you all 897 pictures from their family vacation. You smile and nod graciously, all the while wanting to stab your eyeballs out with a pencil and praying that they'll pick up on your boredom.

Before becoming a mom, I avoided those people at all costs. Why should I care about every little nuance of your child's life??? Well, the fact is... I shouldn't. Or at least, I don't need to. I found this behavior to be arrogant and annoying. Like really, why should I care that your kid is so great??? I loved all of my friends babies, and I was obsessed with my own nieces and nephews, but strangers?? Stay the hell away.

The point of all of this is to tell you:

I have become one of those moms.

If Emerson somehow comes up in conversation, I will take the opportunity to show you how adorable she is. I have (literally) 897 pictures of her on my phone. Want to see her sleeping?? Got it. Eating peas?? Got it. As a 1 month old?? Got it.

I'm not expecting anything in return. You don't need to tell me how cute she is. She's my daughter, and I will always love her and think she's more perfect than anyone else possibly could. I don't need validation that my baby is awesome - I know she is.

On the flip side, I will dote on anyone's pictures at any time now. They are proud parents, just like me, and even if I don't know you, I actually care. I am happy you're so happy, and that you have a beautiful family. Seeing how much these other moms love their kiddos honestly brings me so much happiness, because it reminds me there are other people in the world who understand how I feel about my sweet little girl.

I can't really explain what compels me to do this... pride, joy, unconditional love - a combination of all 3 no doubt. But I seriously cannot help myself. I went through hell to be able to bring this beautiful girl into the world, and dammit, if I want to shout it from the mountaintops, so be it. And I don't care if you don't care because I will show you anyway. I have endured childbirth - I deserve this.

So for those of you out there who are still in the eye-rolling, why-is-that-mom-so-smug stage, heed this warning... it will happen to you. And that's okay. Some people will be annoyed by you, others will ignore or avoid you, and others who "get it" will sit patiently as you show off your pride and joy, because they love you and are happy for you.

And on that note, here ya go:

Tooting my own horn

Anyone who's been reading this blog for a while knows I've been trying to lose the baby weight.

While it is important for me to get healthy and feel good about myself, my main motivation for wanting to lose the baby weight fast was because my sister-in-law, Lindsay, is getting married this weekend! Me, Jon and Emerson are in the wedding, and I didn't want to be the ugly fat girl in our family photos.

To help track my goals, I started taking my measurements and counting my calories in My Fitness Pal. I worked out when I wasn't completely exhausted I could, and tried to keep my splurging under control (though this was the hardest part).

So here's where the horn tooting comes in: I've lost 50 lbs in the past 5 months. Yay!!!!! Considering I only gained 40 lbs during the pregnancy, I am pretty happy with this. Toot toot toot.

But as most fitness experts will tell you, weight is only one factor. When you calculate my loss in measurements, since January 4th (the first day I took them, 3 weeks after Emerson was born), you can see a big change there too... no wonder my clothes fit better now!

Pounds lost since 1/4/12:
22.6

Inches lost:
Hips: 2.5
Bust: 2.5
Waist: 4!!!! Yay!! It's still wider than it's ever been, but um, I gave birth, so give me a break.
Thighs: 1.5
Butt: 2.5

And since I've already made you roll your eyes at least twice since starting this post, I might as well add this in... I am wearing an outfit today I haven't worn in TWO YEARS. Not since I found out I was pregnant with Jack and immediately began bloating.

I still have a good 10-15 lbs to go, but I am happy that I've made it this far. I don't feel like I've worked as hard I could to get back in shape, but that is my next goal. Now that the bulk of the weight has been lost, I want to focus on toning and eating healthier. I don't want to be one of those moms who just "gives up." I don't mean this in a negative way, but I don't think I'd be setting a good example for Emerson if I continue eating like I did when I was pregnant and never exercise. I have accepted that my body will never look the same way it did 10 years ago, but I don't want to stop trying to be healthier when I know that I can be. I want to be the best version of "this" me, the "mom" me that I can be. Does that make sense?

The other thing I think I need to work on??? Accepting compliments without a qualifier. Why do we do this ladies??? Someone gives us a compliment and we immediately downplay it. When people tell me that I "look great" or "congrats on losing all the baby wight" instead of just saying thank you, I always follow up with "Well, I have a long way to go." I needed to start accepting that, in 5 months, I HAVE come a long way already. Sure there's more I can do, and I'm definitely not 100% secure with my post-baby body, but I am happy with the result so far. So for one day only, I am tooting my own horn. Tomorrow I can go back to working hard.

Frankly, I'm just glad I fit into my bridesmaids dress. Don't tell Lindsay, but it didn't fit back in February - score!

New look, same bad puns

Are your eyes playing tricks on you????

Do things look a little different from where you're sitting???

Don't worry friend, you're not alone...My blog got a fancy new makeover!!!

When I first started blogging, I used it as an outlet for my grief. It was a way to process how I was feeling after losing Jack, and it truly helped me along my journey toward healing.

Then when I became pregnant with Emerson, I used it as a diary to document all of the little things I wanted to remember about my pregnancy. I was so scared, but I didn't want to treat the experience like it wasn't special, just because I had already been pregnant the year before.

And now, I use it as a both an outlet AND a diary. An outlet to share my fears, hopes, and annoyances, but mostly a diary of my everyday life as a wife and mother.

A long time ago, someone told me that I should take all of the posts in my blog and turn them into a book. As a way to help other grieving mothers, as well as other moms who were pregnant with their rainbow babies. But what this blog has evolved into is a snapshot into my life and feelings at any given point.

What is most important to me, though, is that some day my darling girl can look back on all of these posts and learn a little bit more about her mom and who she was at this time in her life. As morbid as this sounds, if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I'd want Emerson to have some insight into her mother's personality (as kooky as it might be).

So instead of a book, I decided to turn this blog into a digital scrapbook of sorts. A 21st century diary, complete with photos, ad libs, and puns. And since I won't be able to remember every single little detail of Emerson's childhood, I am committed to keeping it as up to date as possible.

Hope you like it! A big thanks to Jenn for helping me look fancy!!

Mother's Day

My first Mother's Day with my beautiful rainbow baby. It was low-key, and it was perfect.

It was hard to get through the weekend without a tugging ache in my heart though, because I couldn't stop thinking about my dear friend. She should be holding her brand new baby today. But she isn't.

I gave myself 5 minutes alone in the bathroom to shed some tears for Jack, and then I went into Emerson's room while she slept and held her so close. Her sweet angelic face, her perfect features, her tiny hands remind me of how blessed I am, and how blessed she is to have a guardian angel and big brother looking out for her always.

Life is so precious, and motherhood is the greatest gift I've ever been given. I know the consuming heartbreak my friend felt as her due date passed. I hope she knows that she is an amazing mother. I also hope that everyone who is a mom stopped to take a second yesterday to realize how lucky they are.
Because even with the crying, the sleepless nights, the stupid teenage fights, the bad decisions, the expenses, the headaches, the annoyances ..... there is someone out there who would die to have the chance to have someone call her "Mom."

You're doing okay, mom

A friend shared this the other day on Facebook... a really good reminder for all you sleep-deprived mommas out there.

Happy Friday!

Sleep deprivation equals...

Putting mascara on one eye, and not the other.

Spreading garlic on your butter and jelly bagel (OMG, Don't. Ask.)

Writing emails that have no coherent thoughts or messages because you leave out key verbs and pronouns.

Leaving your purse in your drawer at work, and not realizing it until you hit the highway and your car tells you that you have 5 Miles to Empty. <--- Scariest message ever.

And finally, the pièce de résistance:

Accidentally wearing a pair of brown shoes with your entirely black outfit. #FashionFail. 


Yes, my darling girl must be having separation anxiety, because once she gets in her lovely 6 hour stretch of sleep from 8-2, she wakes up every hour after that. Which means I wake up every hour past 2am. Which means I only sleep about 4 solid hours every night. Which means I am OTM (One Tired Momma).

But here's the thing. There are three very large reasons why, despite the sleep deprivation and downright stupidity due to said sleep deprivation, I still feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

1. My perspective is different than most. I prayed for this little baby for so long, and I know we are so fortunate to have her that nothing could stop me from loving every single moment with her. Even if many of those moments are in the wee hours of the morning.

2. I know that this is just a phase, and she'll grow out of it before we know it. But little ones are little for such a short amount of time, and I don't want to wish the time away.

3. Look at this face. I'd gladly trade sleep for this. Any day.

One-Uppers

Let me start this off by saying I'm in a great mood.

It's Friday. Emerson slept so good last night, and wasn't fussy at all. Hooray! Her sleep is directly correlated to my happiness.

So I'm not sure why I feel the need to write what might come across as a grumpy post, because I'm actually not grumpy today. I mean, look what I have in my kitchen:

A Sam's Club box of Keurig k-cups big enough to last at least, IDK, 2 weeks?? Hooray!

So with that disclaimer, here we go...

What is the deal with one-uppers?

Seriously. I have gotten a brief taste of the proud mom disguised as one-upping mom, and it's already annoying.

I was warned about this phenomenon. As moms, we are so proud and connected to our little ones that we think they can walk on water and do no wrong. (I mean, in Emerson's case that's true, but she's the exception). So naturally, we want to share  how amazing our babies are, because we are so happy, proud, and in love with them that we want the world to know how spectacular they are.

But where do you draw the line?? Here's where I draw it: Putting a baby or their mother down in any way because you or your own baby did something better/faster/longer/whatever. Whether intentional or not, it's freaking obnoxious.

For example: "My baby slept 7 hours in a row last night!! Yay!!!" and then this is followed by "Oh, my little Billy was sleeping 8 hours in a row weeks before your baby started."  Or how about: "Yay! She rolled over!" is followed by "Oh, she's only now starting to do that??"

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?!

I used to have a friend who was a chronic one-upper. Honestly, every single thing I said was followed by a one-up comment. It could have been something as simple as "Hey, I got a 98% of my midterm" and this person would say "Oh, well I got a 99%, but good for you sweetie."

It got to the point where I felt so much anxiety anytime I knew I would see her, and being around her was emotionally exhausting. I don't want to have to constantly talk myself up - you either like me or you don't. I had to remove this person from my life because I didn't want to be constantly compared. I am who I am, and it drove me crazy that someone made me feel like who I am wasn't good enough.

Okay, so most people will argue that one-uppers are just insecure on the inside, so they brag and make others feel small so they feel better about themselves. Yeah, I get that. But it doesn't change the fact that it's annoying. And since one of my philosophies in life is to do whatever it takes to be happy, I don't have time to be around people who make me less happy. Makes sense, right??

But holy hell, I freaking DARE you to say anything that in any way puts a negative connotation around my child. The mama bear claws will come out, and you won't like what you see.

Because the truth of the matter is.... just be happy with your own life. Don't compare yourself to others. Everyone is different, and every person has value that they have to offer the world. But don't find happiness at someone else's expense. It's a cheap thrill that doesn't last long, and you'll find yourself moving on to the next obnoxious one-upper comment very quickly just so you can feel better about yourself. Not effective, and not nice.

Ok. That's all.

Happy Friday, and go tell someone they look great today. Even if they don't.

Some things

1. Going back to work sucks. Sucks. Getting home and seeing your happy, beautiful baby is awesome. Awesome.

2. I just read that they classify "Sleeping through the night" in infants as sleeping 5+ hours or more in a row. Emerson has been sleeping 6.5 hour stretches for the past week. This is fabulous on one hand. On the other hand, those stretches are from 8:00pm to 2:30am. I'm sorry, but who wakes up at 2:30am and thinks "Weeeeeeeeee!! I feel so refreshed and energized!!!!!" Stupid parenting literature.

3. My baby girl is now 11 lbs and 10 ounces!!!! She's gained 4 lbs and 6 ounces since birth! You go girl!!! She's also 85% percentile for length. Girlfriend has some lonnnnnnnnng legs that she clearly didn't get from me. It's hilarious when we have to shove her long leggys into onesies, only to have enough space in the belly and arms to fit another baby. Methinks I have a mini basketball player in the making. I should make mental note to buy basketball hoop for the garage. Never too early to start playing sports. Although she can't even sit up on her own yet. Oh well. I digress.

3. Hearing your baby scream when she gets her 2 month vaccinations is the absolute worst sound in the entire world. Going back in the room to see that not only did she survive, but was happily cuddling with daddy and in no pain brought me to tears.

4. Speaking of tears, pretty much everything about being a mom brings you to tears. Well, when you have to get up at 5:45am everyday instead of sleeping in with your baby, everything actually will bring you to tears,  Red light? Boo hoo. No vanilla coffee creamer?? Waaaaaa. Too many blue cars on the highway?? Sniff sniff.

5. Speaking of coffee creamer, I just don't understand how people don't drink coffee. I just don't. Please tell me how you survive without it (provided you are over the age of 18). Seriously, it just makes me a better person in every way imaginable.

6. Today is Emerson's 2 month birthday. Such a big girl! But because I had to be up at 5:45am, I didn't get to take her 2 month picture, so I might have to cheat and take it tomorrow. That's okay, February is too short anyway, it'll even things out.

Oh, and Happy Valentines Day.

Blog Hiatus

So... I go back to work in 6 days.

Though I love having a rewarding career, and working in higher education is one heck of a good time, I am really, really sad about leaving my baby girl.

The following fears are running through my mind:


* Will she hate me for leaving her??

* Will she forget who I am??

* Will she remember that I'm her mommy??

* Will she still calm down only when I hold her, or cry when she gets home??

* Will I miss every single aspect of her life, like crawling, walking, talking?!?!?


Everything is going to be okay right??? RIGHT?!?!?!

In the meantime, here's what Miss E has been up to the last few days :)

Hanging out with daddy and duckie, her favorite friends

First time at Panera... this face says "Mom, get the mac and cheese, not the salad!"

"Oh snap, did you see that touchdown??!" ~ On Super Bowl Sunday

And my personal favorite... Emerson sitting up by herself:



God, I just love this little baby.

Smile

Emerson gave me her first non-reflexive, purposeful, wide-awake, reactive smile this morning.

And I cried instantly. My heart has melted into a pool of baby love.

So naturally, once she went down for her nap, and all I'm thinking about is her beautiful smile, I think of the Charlie Chaplin song "Smile." And then I think about the Glee cover of the song (and it is beautiful, btw). Which reminded me of the version from the movie My Girl 2, where Vada gets to watch a home video of her mother whom she lost as a baby. It's been years since I've seen that movie, so of course I looked it up on YouTube.

WARNING: If you are the mother of a baby girl, NEVER EVER watch the following video. I really need to buy stock in Kleenex.

Emerson's Newborn Must Haves

Admittedly, I spent WAY too much time researching any and all baby products when I was pregnant. I read every review, watched every YouTube demonstration video, and read every message board regarding each particular product we considered purchasing. It was excessive really.

But now I'm glad I did. Em might just be an easygoing baby with a happy temperament, but I'd like to think that maybe some of what we've done has helped her ease the transition from cozy womb to big scary world.

So here is my list of the items that, so far, we could not live without. There are alot of other things we use daily that are nice to have, but these are the essentials.

SLEEP STUFF

Happiest Baby on the Block DVD by Dr. Harvey Karp

First and foremost... watch this DVD before you have your baby. The accompanying book was recommended to me by my sister, who has 6 happy children, so I figured she knew what she was talking about. I won't get into the nuts and bolts of this philosophy, but basically Dr. Karp believes that the first few months of a newborn's life are like the "4th trimester" and that by mimicking the sensations the baby felt in the womb, you can calm your unhappy, crying baby and make them the... wait for it.... happiest baby on the block. I don't really know most of my neighbors, but I think Em is the happiest baby on our block (okay, so she's the only one I've seen, but still).

Anyway, the principles make total sense to me, and we've been using the techniques since day one. Again, not sure if it's just coincidence, but Emerson has been a great sleeper so far, and I feel well-rested almost every day, so something is working for us.

You don't have to buy the DVD... we just rented from the library. I'm telling you, CHECK IT OUT! You won't be sorry.

The Miracle Blanket

One of the principles in HBOTB is that since babies were so scrunched up and snuggly in the womb, when they come out they get startled by their flailing arms. So swaddling your baby is the key to calming and relaxing your baby, which encourages deep and peaceful sleep.

When we first got home from the hospital, I decided not to swaddle her at night because she was constantly moving her arms around. I thought she wouldn't like being trapped by the swaddle. Well, after 2 nights of her waking every 45 minutes, I decided to give the Miracle Blanket a try. Hallelujah! She instantly calmed down and slept a good 3 hour stretch that first night. And now, as soon as girlfriend even sees TMB, I swear her eyes start drooping. She can go from crying hysterically to happy camper in less than a minute. It is awesome!

The blanket freaked us out at first because it literally looks like a baby straight jacket; Jon thought we were torturing her. But with her arms free she'll wake herself up, and that is way more torturous for a growing newborn. We only use it at night, so that she associates TMB with nighttime sleep, but this little invention has saved our lives!

I've also started loosely swaddling her for daytime naps with the Aden & Anais blankets, because again, she seems much happier, but we save the nice snug swaddle for bedtime. I'm telling you, we couldn't live without this one!

Fisher Price Rock and Play Sleeper

Comes in all colors, but of course we have it in pink.

If you enjoy your sleep (and who doesn't), this will be the best $40 you spend as a parent. This thing is awesome! We put baby E in this at night to sleep, and she sleeps so soundly. Because of it's design, the baby feels like they are still being held, and the slight incline makes me feel better in case she were to spit up in her sleep (which, thankfully, we don't have a very spitty baby yet.... fingers crossed!)

It's also a rocker, so if baby girl is having a hard time falling asleep after I put her down, I just rock her back and forth for a few minutes and she's out like a light. You can keep it right next to your bed for easy baby access, or carry it around the house for a portable napping station.

She loves it. I love it. You'll love it to.


White Noise Machine

Another absolute essential item, according to Dr. Karp (and now to me and Emerson). The baby hears white noise and your heartbeat constantly while they are in your belly, so when they come out, it's just too gosh darn quiet for them. If swaddling doesn't calm Em down right away, putting her down with white noise nearby certainly will. I even turn the radio to a staticky station when  she starts to fuss in the car. It's amazing how quickly she calms down when she hears it.

We have this one by The First Years, but there are tons on the market. I even have a white noise app on my phone in case she's having a hard time falling asleep.

Summer Infant BabyTouch Monitor

So nobody told me this, but newborns make ALOT of noise in their sleep. Like, alot. They grunt, cough, snort, and even cry out while they are sleeping. I read that this happens when they are transitioning from one sleep cycle to the next. Either way, it was scary at first. I kept picking Emerson up at every little sound, thinking she was wet or hungry, when in reality I kept waking her up when all she was trying to do was move on to her next cycle. (I can just imagine her....Geez, MOM! Back off and let me sleep!)

Even when we determined that her sleep sounds were normal, it was still hard to sleep ourselves because every little sound she made would wake us up. One night I was hanging up laundry, so Jon put her in her nursery in the Rock and Play with the monitor on. I kept expecting her to wake up because mommy wasn't right next to her, but she slept great! And when I went in to nurse and change her, since I wasn't carrying her as far as I normally do, she was able to stay asleep and fall back to sleep much easier. So now she sleeps in her nursery and is happy as a clam.

Anyway, back to the monitor. We love this one because we have a very clear shot of the baby. You can also pan the room with the monitor (you know, in case you want to check for boogeymen) and it even has a Talk feature so the baby can hear your voice. I leave the monitor right next to the bed, and I'm able to hear her immediately when she starts crying for real. Trust me, you will very quickly learn the difference between what we call "fake outs" and the real deal. For Em, fake outs sound like apathetic noises... the real deal sounds like "HELLO!!! Get in here and feed me goshdarnit I am starving!!!!"

This monitor is a little pricey, but for our peace of mind it was definitely well worth it. You can also buy an additional camera for another room, so some day when Em has a sibling, we can watch them both at the same time.

Fisher Price Soothe and Glow Seahorse

Okay, so this isn't a must have for sleep per se, but it definitely helps our nighttime routine. This adorable little thing plays about 10 minutes of classical music and has a nice soft glow. I use it when changing her diaper at night. It's enough light so that I can see what I'm doing, but not so much that it wakes her up completely. Plus, the soothing music keeps her calm and happy. And at 3am, I will do anything for a happy baby.

DAYTIME FAVORITES

Wubbanub

I am someone who was anti-pacifier. I've heard it gives them an overbite, they become dependent on it, bla bla bla.

But when your sweet little baby is fed, changed, warm enough, and still fussing, as a parent you will do whatever you need to do to make them happy. And since pacifier use is linked to a decreased risk of SIDS, I feel okay about it.

Em wouldn't take a normal pacifier at first, so we figured we couldn't use them. But then we tried the Wubbanub. Oh Em Gee, girlfriend LOVES this thing. With the cute little toy attached it makes it harder for her to spit it out (and trust me when they spit it out before they're ready, the sadness that ensues is not one you want to experience). Plus, she loves looking at the little toy.

Is $10 alot to spend on a pacifier? Yes. But we have two of them. And I will probably get another one. Again, it's a small price to pay for a happy little girl!


Boppy Newborn Lounger

Emerson doesn't get put down much while awake (it's hard being so loved by your parents, friends and family isn't it?) But if I do need a minute, she loves laying on this pillow. It's so soft, and she can look around at the world without being completely flat on her back (which she HATES and I have nightmares thinking about transitioning her to her crib, but that's another story for another day).

Anyway, I love this thing. I wish they made an adult-sized one.

Pampers Swaddlers

The best diapers on the market, in my humble opinion a whole 4 weeks into mommyhood. There's a yellow line that turns blue when the baby is wet, so there's no wasting diapers. And so far, no leaks!! They're slightly pricier, so if you're expecting I'd recommend buying one case a week, that way you're not buying them all at once. Because trust me, they go through A TON. I had no idea.

CLOTHING

Just like with her name, I have developed very specific criteria on what type of clothing is best for my newborn:

Zip-Up vs. Button: Why are any baby pajamas made with buttons?? In the middle of the night, the last thing your newborn wants is for you to fumble with all those teeny tiny buttons. The zip-up onesies are awesome, and make the 3am diaper changes must faster.

Newborn size vs. 0-3 month.  Everyone told me "Don't even bother buying newborn-sized clothing, they grow out of it so quickly!" So at firs we didn't have anything size NB. But luckily, we received quite a few NB sized items at our baby showers, and Jon went out and bought her some precious onesies one day when Carter's was having a huge sale. Thank goodness! Em was SWIMMING in the 0-3 stuff when she was born (as well as the size 1 diapers, since everyone told us not even to bother with NB sized ones). Even now at 4 weeks, the 0-3 stuff is still huge on her. She's got really long legs, so her NB stuff, after several washes, is getting snug, but unfortunately there's no in between. So this week she either looks like a stuffed sausage or a baby who is wearing her big sister's clothing.

Carter's vs. Gerber. Hands-down, Carter's wins. The Gerber onesies we have feel, as Jon so affectionately put it, like cardboard, and I agree. I'm sure she doesn't care, but I just don't want to put my sweet baby with her soft skin in pajamas that feel stiff. Carter's clothing, on the other hand, feels so soft, and the NB sized ones we have all have the mitten cuffs on them (VERY crucial because, due to the flailing arms, babies can scratch and gauge their faces without mittens).

PHEW! Are you exhausted reading this?? I'm exhausted after writing it. I hope this helps someone, because instead of napping or showering while Emerson napped this morning, I wrote out the longest blog post in the history of this blog. It's all about priorities.